Big Paranoid Dog (BPD)

There is a creature that lives inside me. It is a semi-feral creature that I keep on a leash. When my treatment lapses, or stress builds too high, the leash is long because I can only keep a loose grip. When I exert self-control, I keep a short leash. This only exhausts me until my grip gives out. Addressing deeper issues is like taming the creature by making it feel safe, secure, loved, and free instead of threatened… When I deliberately decide to hurt someone else because they hurt me, I am saying to it: ‘sick ’em.’ When I accidentally hurt someone else, I lose control of the leash and the creature attacks on its own. Sometimes I allow the creature to growl and bare its teeth, but I don’t let it attack. I used to believe the creature was aggressive because it was a monster. Now I see it more like an abused rescue dog.